Friday, May 22, 2009

Male Sexuality: Selfishness or Insecurity?

Do men feel so much pressure to perform in bed that they fail to make a connection with their partner? Sounds like the answer is yes.

However, what if men create intimacy with their partner before having sex. And what if we viewed sex as not about performance but about play, about a shared enjoyment of each other's bodies?

We all need to change our thinking about sex, but it seems that men might have further to go in this area than women.

This post comes from Sexual Intelligence.
Male Sexuality: Selfishness or Insecurity?

Last week I had the pleasure of sharing some time with psychologist Michael Bader. We were on TV together discussing various sexual issues, including male sexuality, the subject (and title) of his new book.

Michael challenges the common idea that men are selfish in bed, that they don’t much care about their partner and don’t really want to be close. He says, in fact, that the opposite is true: that most men face such a crushing sense of responsibility in bed that they are, understandably, insecure. This leads them to focus so much on their performance that a human connection is difficult.

Bravo. As a therapist, I’ve noticed this, too. Performance anxiety accounts for a lot of the erection problems I hear about in the office, as well as a lot of the low desire. In fact, there are guys who say “porn is easier than sex with my wife, because I never feel like I satisfy her.” That’s a far cry from “men are addicted to porn” or “men are afraid of intimacy.”

It’s ironic: when people are too concerned about their partner’s experience, they have trouble relaxing and enjoying sex. And while they think of this over-attention as caring, their partner more often describes it as distance or lack of caring.

And so I tell men AND women that rather than try to figure out what their partner wants in bed, looking obsessively for signs of reaction (positive or negative), they should instead do what they enjoy. When both people do that, AND communicate to each other what they like and don’t like, a couple will find the overlap in their interests, and live happily ever after. Or at least have decent sex periodically.


1 comment:

D a r i n a said...

TY again & again for brining these important issues Bill! This sums it up so well: "However, what if men create intimacy with their partner before having sex. And what if we viewed sex as not about performance but about play, about a shared enjoyment of each other's bodies?" Yes, what if we let go of our selfishness and insecurity and connect deeper through play, sharing and mutually enjoyable foreplay, sex & afterplay? :) Mutual enjoyment and open communication are key indeed.